The unfortunate fate of many students who are applying to the colleges and universities of their dreams is that they will not get into all of them. And, when the rejection letters are opened and the words spilled out upon the pages with regret, the students will seek solace from the special adults in their lives, many of whom are the educators who helped them along the way, wishing them well and cheering for their success. The question emerges: how do I best support students who have been recently rejected by a college or university where they hoped to attend?
The following six strategies are what matter most when students come to us with their anguish at not being accepted to every college for which they applied, often missing the mark on their first or second choices. Although it might seem like the end of the universe as we know it to them, there are ways that we can help them process and move on.
Provide a Safe Place to Talk
One of the most important ways that we can support students when rejection letters arrive during application season is to simply provide a safe place for them to talk about their emotions–the ups and the downs. This starts by building relationships with students before the application process, and it’s reinforced through clear communication that the adults in the school are available to hear about decisions that students are making, acceptance letters and financial scholarships that are being offered, and, of course, rejection.
When students come to us, as many of them do when they’re upset about something, it’s important to let them vent for as long as they need. Their emotions are likely to be amplified, and it’s important to remember that their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed, meaning that they’re likely to blow things out of proportion. This is where great counselors, school leadership, teachers, and other support staff can show compassion for students and actively listen to their sorrows. Especially at first, just saying that “it will be okay” is not likely helpful for a student who is experiencing what they view as traumatic. It is better to first acknowledge that rejection hurts, and then seek to understand why the rejection is so meaningful before we can provide strategies for what to do next. A strong reaction to university rejection may result from personal investment, familial expectations, and social pressures. Helping a student recognize these factors can help in processing emotions and finding growth opportunities.
Comfort Their Sense of Loss
Especially if a student wanted to get into a particular school for a deeply personal reason, the rejection letter can feel like a real loss. Counselors can comfort students with the same strategies that they would apply when students lose a family member, for example. The emotions run the gamut, but they’re typically isolated to a sense of missing out on something that they should have had, the notion that they should have been given a chance that they didn’t get, that others are more worthy than they are, or that they let someone down. All of these are perfectly placed emotional responses but none of them are generally the truth.
It’s good to take the approach that time is the best healer in scenarios like this. We don’t need to say, “You’ll get over it,” to know that it’s the reality in most cases. Being there for students and providing space to talk, a shoulder to cry on, and a few words of encouragement and good advice is what they need more than anything else.
Reassure Them About Their Aptitude
A nice entry for a conversation and advice–after we’ve given students a chance to talk–is to reassure them about their aptitude. Rejection letters are not an indication of a student’s self-worth. Not getting into a college doesn’t mean that a student is not smart or undeserving. In many cases, it’s just a numbers game for the college or university. Lots of colleges don’t have the capacity to enroll every student who applies. They have to use a set of criteria, which aren’t always apparent to the public, to make decisions.
Students who are emotional about rejection are also quick to use the rejection as a judgment of their intelligence and even their character. The college application process often heightens insecurities, bringing flaws, doubts, and past mistakes into sharp focus. Try taking some of the emotion out of the experience by reminding students of their successes thus far, demonstrating to them that they are already smart and determined. One or more rejection letters won’t determine their future. The power is in their hands to be who and what they want, not a particular college or university. Reassure them of their aptitude and abilities, empowering them as people, beyond the significance of the single brand of a university. Remind them that how they react to this situation and how they handle the experience of the college they attend is what makes a difference. Every institution offers opportunities to engage with talented peers, supportive professors, and vibrant communities that can inspire personal and professional growth. Remind them that they can be successful if they make the most of the opportunities a college offers; a rejection doesn't define them.
Advise Them About Next Steps
Rejection often boils down to the ego regarding what we believe about ourselves and what we want others to think about us. When students feel reflected, as in the case of a college or university rejection letter, they’re likely suffering from the view that the whole world is watching them fail. This is where we can advise them that they don’t have to tell anyone if they don’t want to. Close friends, sure, but the whole world isn’t going to pass judgment on a student because of one or more college rejection letters. Helping them craft a pre-prepared response when people ask about the outcome can also be useful.
It’s also critical to remain positive. Have other acceptance letters arrived yet? How many more letters are we expecting to get? If other acceptance letters have arrived, it’s good to spin the conversation toward what the student has versus what they don’t. And, if more letters are on their way, hope is a great emotion to capture, especially if there are other more promising prospects. This isn’t to say that the student should just get over it, their emotions are real and should be validated. But, as trusted advisors, we can help them see and take the best next steps by not broadcasting their rejection to others–making it worse in their own minds–and looking forward to other opportunities.
Provide Alternative Routes to Getting a Yes
A rejection letter is not the end of the world, and it’s not always a “hard no.” Many colleges and universities employ graduate students and other assistants to sift through the massive intake of applications. Sometimes the admissions officers haven’t seen or evaluated the uniqueness of an applicant, and screened a student out for a particular reason that they were trained to notice. These aren’t bad people who are denying students an opportunity for fun. Although students aren’t likely to reach the person who rejected their particular application, there are sometimes ways to get a second chance.
If you really think that the student should have been given more consideration, some steps can be taken. First, check for an appeal process. Some colleges and universities have a process to challenge a rejection letter. Encourage students to make a case for themselves by contacting the admissions office and/or an individual who might take the time to hear a case for acceptance. School leaders and counselors can also make cases on behalf of students when it’s appropriate to do so.
If it is earlier in the application season, students could complete an online profile in something like MaiaOffers and opt-in to share it with universities and colleges. If it is later in the application cycle and the student is applying to the USA, they could check NACAC’s Annual College Openings to see which NACAC-member postsecondary institutions are still accepting applications later in the process.
Third, remind students applying to the USA, that there is always room to transfer in the future. Ending up at an alternative school doesn’t mean that they can’t do well for a year or two and then use their successes and experiences to transfer schools.
A Proactive Approach
Many school leaders and counselors have been there when a student says that they want to apply to Yale University, and we know that their scores and grades are not likely a fit. It’s better to brace them for the fall than to just let them be rejected without a realistic sense of their chances. This doesn’t mean that we should advise them to not apply. Taking a chance on a dream is fun; it’s just not good for students to get their hopes up only to battle with the rejection that appears to be inevitable from the start. It might also seem daunting to even keep track of all the colleges and universities to which the students on our caseloads applied, but tools like MaiaLearning make it possible to do that so that you know who needs a quick conversation about expectations.
It is important to encourage students to explore several colleges and universities when creating “considering lists” before actually applying. This helps them to be better informed about their chances, compare costs and value, determine their best fit, and make choices. Students should apply to a range of schools, some easier to get into than others, which sets them up for success with the notion that some of these schools are bound to send a rejection letter, and that’s going to be okay when it happens.
Conclusion
Supporting students through college rejection involves empathy, reassurance, and proactive guidance. By providing a safe space to process emotions, comforting their sense of loss, and reminding them of their unique strengths and potential, educators can help students navigate this challenging experience. Encouraging a focus on new opportunities, practical next steps, and alternative routes ensures that students remain hopeful and empowered to achieve success, regardless of where their journey begins.
If you want your students to explore and prepare for college admissions in the best way imaginable, schedule a demo with MaiaLearning.
